Shouting lager lager lager lager

Quiet please, class 2B. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

Right. I take it you've all brought in permissions slips from your parents, so this morning we're starting Alcohol Education.

Would you like to share the joke with the rest of us, Ben? Thought not. Now behave.

You're very lucky people. This is the first year AlcEd has been a featured part of the formal syllabus. In years gone by this would have been a parental responsibility, however it now forms a key stage in your Health and Social Studies GCSE coursework for the year, so I'd like you all to take this seriously.

That includes you, Sharon. Face the front, please. No, I'm not interested in what Kimberly called you, and neither is the rest of the class.

Right. Today we're going to be covering a few basics. In front of each of you are a number of containers. John, please don't touch until I tell you to. I don't care what Liam said. If Liam told you to jump out of the window, would you?

Jessica. Don't do that, please.

OK, we're going to look at the various types of alcoholic drink on the market. First of all, open the can on the left. Can someone help Kevin? Thank you, Michael. Right. This is Carling Black Label. After three, everyone take a sip. One, two, three. And stop.

Jessica. Stop when I say so, please.

Now, Carling Black Label is what we call a lager. This is basically a cold drink designed, should you drink enough of it, to bring about feelings of drunkenness without being encumbered with any discernible taste. It goes well with fried food and, well, more lager.

Yes Ben, it is gassy. That was indeed quite tuneful. See me afterwards, please.

Now open the next container. You'll see that this is a large plastic bottle with a lightning strike on the side. This is what we call cider. No, Naomi, there are no glasses with this one as it's designed to be drunk straight from the bottle. One, two, three. And, stop.

Jessica. I'm watching you.

For most of you cider and lager will be enough to get you a pass, to be honest. However, we're lucky to have some additional exercises for those of you going for a merit pass. If you move onto the next bottle, you'll see it's filled with a dark red liquid. Pour some into the bottom of the large round glass there. This is called wine, and its main effect is to make the drinker extremely witty. One, two, three. And stop. Yes, Simon, I'm sure you are 'getting blackcurrant'. NO-one likes a show-off.

Jessica. I won't tell you again.

Now for our final exercise, pull the cork from the clear bottle with the yellowy liquid and pour a small amount into the flat-bottomed tumbler. This is called whisky, and is designed specifically to scare you senseless until a party when your dad leaves his drinks cabinet unlocked. Yes, Justin, I'm aware that it's Famous Grouse. Well, if you wanted single malt you should have done better in your Eleven Plus and made it to Grammar School. Are we ready? One, two, three. And stop.

The bell's for me, not for you. Sit down please.

Right. Asking your parents to introduce you to this stuff responsibly is clearly pointless. Quite frankly, if you're out of the house they couldn't give a monkey's. And the drinks companies aren't helping, with supermarket deals on slabs of Stella bringing tears of joy to the eyes of everyone. Even old soaks like me.

So as a result, these lessons will be as much use as Mr Neil's sessions with you all on quadratic equations. By the end of next term, most of you will know more about WKD Blue than W.H. Auden. But targets are targets.

Ah. Can someone see to Jessica, please?