Monday, 3 May 2010

It's my party

In a few days we’ll be making our way to the polling booths to make our mark and choose the next lot of middle-aged blokes in suits so that we can whinge about them for the following five years.

It’s democracy in action, they say. We can make a difference, people claim. Although I prefer to misquote The Who on this:
“Meet the new boss, virtually indistinguishable from the old boss.”
Many have expressed enthusiasm for a hung parliament. However I suspect some of this is down to the common confusion between the terms ‘hung’ and ‘hanged’.

So in this spirit of electoral excitement and, finding it difficult to detect much in the way of difference between the parties led by the Grumpy One, the Shiny One and the One Who Isn’t Either Of The Others, I thought it would be worth laying out my own manifesto. Apparently I’m too late for this election, but who knows where it may lead?

The Economy

It is often said of any incumbent Chancellor of the Exchequer that they couldn’t run a whelk stall. Therefore, anyone wanting to have this responsibility from now on will be required to have operated such an establishment, on the front at Skegness, for at least one summer season.
We expect the 2011-2012 Public Sector Borrowing Requirement to feature shrimps quite heavily.


The UK’s nuclear deterrent is a topic that divides opinion. Can it be right that at the press of a button we could turn a significant chunk of the world’s surface into a giant glass-topped coffee table? That doesn’t seem terribly British. However, some say that the power of nuclear weapons is in their deterrent factor. If enemy states believe we’re tooled-up, they treat us differently, even though we’d never really want to pull the trigger.

So, as long as people think we have these highly secret weapons hidden away somewhere, we’re safe. Why not just pretend, then? It’s not as if they’re on show, is it? Rather than spending £100 billion on new ones, we can just let everyone think we’ve got them and splash the cash on something else instead. We could mock up some pretty convincing invoices from Nukes ‘R’ Us if needed.

There is, of course, a school of thought that suggests this is exactly what we’re doing already.

Crime and justice

The following are to become classified as criminal acts:
  • Use of text-speak by anyone over the age of 16.
  • Incorrect use of apostrophes.
  • Failure to comprehend the meaning of the ‘Quiet Carriage’ on intercity trains.
  • Opening crisp packets from the wrong end.
  • Being Piers Morgan.
Minor driving offences to be punished by requiring the offender to drive a fuchsia pink Nissan Micra with flashing beacon for 12 months.

Science and Technology

It’s time for Britain to take its rightful place as a space-faring nation. We aim to have our orbiter taking off from Spaceport Droitwich in 2013, just as long as we can get a big enough milk bottle and stick to launch it from.

In other developments, we intend to provide funding for the development of the world’s first fully broadband-enabled custard cream biscuit by the end of our first term.

The Media

All newspapers will be required to print the disclaimer: “Some of this may be fictional” on the front page of every copy. Similar to current food labelling, they will use a ‘traffic light’ system to indicate the proportion of unfettered opinion, manufactured outrage and, heaven forbid, facts, within each issue.

The Daily Mail is to be reclassified as a comic.

Environmental concerns

The UK is blessed with constant prevailing winds and we aim to capitalise on this with the introduction of wind-farms across the country. We calculate that with enough of them in place, we should gain sufficient lift for the whole island to take off and relocate itself to the Mediterranean. This admittedly radical move might make the Euro-sceptics a little nervous, but it would make solar power more practical, as well as helping us all move towards a healthier olive-oil based diet.

Everyone wins.

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