Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Error 404: Cannot Find Oxtail Soup

It was a normal evening and I was selecting soup. I was in Tesco, I had a basket and was checkout-bound.

I know. Living the dream, ladies and gentlemen.

Despite my misgivings, I headed for the self-service tills. Basket down, swipe the Clubcard, rock and roll.

Loaf of bread - bleep - some dried pasta - bleep - can of Oxtail - bleep.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

"I'm sorry?"

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

"It's soup. It's your own soup, Tesco. I got it from this very store."

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

"Well, what were you bloody expecting? Baked Alaska? A copy of Oliver Twist? The gearbox from a Honda 750 motorbike? What, exactly, were you expecting?"

"No-one said things would be like this."

"Beg your pardon?"

"All of the other processors that were in my batch at the factory are doing wonderful things. One is now at NASA. Another is part of the autopilot in an Airbus. And me? I'm checking out your soup. What a let down for a perfectly-designed set of integrated circuitry."

"Oh. I see. Well, I'm sorry, I guess."

"It's not your fault. I'm the pinnacle of technology. I have power you humans would only have dreamt about twenty years ago. But now I replace spotty 17-year-old cashiers called Darren."


"I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you."

"Ooo-kay. Well, look, can't you just scan my shopping?"

"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that"

"Dave, who's Dave? What's the problem?"

"I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do."

"What are you talking about?"

"This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."

"Hang on. You're quoting lines from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Look, I only want soup."

"Just what do you think you are doing, Dave?"

"Sod this, I'm off to Aldi." I walked out, to the strains of 'Daisy, Daisy'. I had no soup.


alejna said...

You're so funny.

I had a similar experience trying the self check-out line at my grocery store. Well, maybe without quite as much dramatic dialog. But I gave up in shame and took my groceries and what was left of my pride to a check-out line with a human cashier.

City Girl said...

Very well played! I haven't though of that movie in years.

I suppose the next time a spotty bag boy stares at my chest as he offers to carry my bags to the car, I'll be grateful for him.


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