Friday, 29 April 2011

The Official Make Lard History Royal Wedding Not-Quite Live Blog

For the benefit of those of you not fortunate, or indeed British, enough to have been watching today's Royal Wedding shenanigans in realtime, I humbly present below for your delectation the key events as they happened. Or, at least as I remember them. I might have been distracted by scones at some point.

Sit back, pour yourself a cup of tea, get your flags out and enjoy.

Before 8.00am - the groom is awakened. It appears that Harry has managed to perform his Best Man duties and City of London fire service personnel are required to remove the manacles chaining William to a lamppost in Islington. Before long, National Heritage has placed a blue plaque on the site, marked: "Prince William Slept Here."

8.30am - Twitter is abuzz with anti-Monarchists telling everyone they are avoiding Twitter today because of mentions of the Royal Wedding. This rapidly becomes a trending topic and logical nightmare.

9.00am - the BBC are reading out messages of goodwill from around the world:

"Congratulations to the happy couple" - Harry and Vera, Sydney, Australia.
"What a lovely day for a wedding" - Bernard, Hong Kong
"I just lost my house in a tornado and couldn't give a stuff about your wedding" - Muriel, Tennessee

9.15am - the congregation begin to arrive at Westminster Abbey. We watch the horror unfolding among the gathered masses as they realise they have to sit for three and a half hours in a 1,000 year-old building with no toilet facilities. Armed guards are watching the font very carefully.

9.30am - Victoria Beckham almost smiles before correcting herself.

10.00am - an awkward moment when the King of Tonga arrives as everyone realises he looks almost exactly the same as Mohammed al-Fayed.

10.14am - Carol Middleton, mother of the bride, reacts spiritedly on being told that her daughter is to be made Duchess of Cambridge after her wedding. This has placed her own present of bedlinen in the shade, somewhat.

10.17am - every wedding has to have a creepy uncle. Step up, Prince Edward.

10.20am - the cameras pan around the streets of London, showing the smiling crowd, waving flags and banners. Golf sale now on, only 100 yards this way.

10.25am - a procession of limousines makes its way up the Mall towards the Abbey. "We do this so well in this country," says everyone.

10.26am - the lead Bentley hits a pothole with full force and continues on its three remaining wheels.

10.35am - Her Majesty the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh enter the Abbey. As the Queen is greeted by the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Duke makes some light-hearted comments to gathered dignitaries from foreign lands. Officials from the Diplomatic Corps are despatched to apologise.

10.45am - ever the joker, Princess Beatrice has decided to come in a hat paying tribute to a frightened stag seen through a barbed-wire fence. She and her sister Eugenie are next to be seen in Cinderella at the Alhambra Theatre, Oldham, in November.

10.50am - Miss Middleton makes her way from her overnight hotel with her father and brother. Mr Middleton senior has a thoughtful look on his face as he realises the implications of splitting the costs of all of this with the groom's family.

11.00am - the service begins and we spend the next hour or so carefully watching the gathered congregation for yawns or nosepicking.

11.15am - when the happy couple kneel for prayers, we find that Harry, ever the joker, has written the words "Help me" on the soles of his brother's cavalry boots.

11.30am - BecksWatch Update: Victoria still not smiling. Believed to be miming to 'Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer'.

11.50am - the newlyweds retreat to the shrine of St. Edward the Confessor to sign the register. We are left to ponder whether starting your married life next to the 1,000-year-old tomb of an Anglo-Saxon king is a healthy thing to do.

12.15pm - the procession leaves the Abbey en route to the reception at Buckingham Palace. There is an honour guard consisting of:

The Household Cavalry
The Blues and Royals
The Queen's Fusiliers
The Fusiliers' Queens
The Brigade of Harry's Past Girlfriends
The Royal Order of Pedants (motto: "It's a Union Flag, not a Union Jack. Unless you're on a ship.").

12.20pm - on BBC, Fearne Cotton interviews someone in the crowd who mentions Princess Diana before being rapidly replaced with a shot of a pigeon.

12.30pm - the Royal party arrives back at Buck House. Princess Beatrice now receiving FreeView TV on her hat.

1.30pm - an appearance at the balcony from the bridal party. Flypast from WW2 Lancaster bomber, Hurricane and Spitfire. The crowd cheers, grateful to see these 60-year-old machines taking a break from their recent duties enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya.

2.00pm onwards - the reception continues behind closed doors. Canapes, cava and entertainment from the Finchley Rhythm Kings.

I watch these things so you don't have to. Don't thank me all at once, folks.

3 comments:

Tom said...

Only if it's on a ship? Wow, Def Leppard has been deceiving us all these years!
Was the Brigade of Harry's past girlfriends led by the future past girlfriend or is there another, more private cavalcade of "Harry's Current Girlfriends"?

fatboyfat said...

Tom - never trust a hair-metal band on flag-related matters. I once got into trouble after trusting Bon Jovi's knowledge of semaphore.

Re: Harry - it's complicated.

Le laquet said...

10am - I remember thinking "oh f*$k! Who let the mad Egyptian in?" and then Hugh "too creepy to do a Royal wedding" Edwards saved my sanity and blood pressure by telling me it was the King of Tonga! I had images of Prince Phillip drowning al-Fayed in the font ...

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