Thursday, 9 July 2009

Careful now

So the news that scientists have apparently managed to create artificial sperm cells in the laboratory has provoked some predictable reactions.

Those opposed to stem cell research are, well, against it - although in many cases the arguments are expressed in a general Father Ted kind of way. (If I'm honest, I'm only mentioning this because it's a YouTube clip worth watching again. And again.)

But much of the response has been about the likelihood that this development will make all men redundant at some indeterminate point in the future. There has been whining. Quite frankly it's a bit unbecoming.

The most constructive contribution has come from the Times, where there's been a list of 101 continuing uses for a man. I had a look at each and every one. Some didn't apply. Some did, though. Let's look at those I can relate to:

2 Model railways, the running and maintenance of - let me be perfectly clear on this point. I have never owned a model railway. But the oiling of points might well be a perfect way to spend a wet Wednesday evening. Bloody hell, what am I saying?

5 Eating up the elderly tub of coleslaw in the back of the fridge after an evening at the pub - yep, that's one of my tasks. Iron stomach, me. Anyone for a kebab?

6 Opening all those terrifying brown envelopes that the bank will insist on sending - there are certain numbers that haven't been seen since the moonshots. And they all come to our house in window envelopes.

7 Catching spiders - actually, the deal is that I deal with wasps, Katie deals with spiders.

8 Bringing you tea in bed in the mornings - Mon-Fri without fail.

10 Making your limited capacity for grooving look positively Madonna-esque by dancing around you wildly, arms and legs jerking like a demented puppet - guilty as charged. I have all the dancing skills of the Unknown Soldier.

11 Lending you (often without knowing it) a razor - "Have you been planing door frames with this, Katie, it's just taken half my fricking face off..."

12 Parking - Katie is way better at this than me. My car has sensors and it's still squeaky-bum time whenever we're in the supermarket carpark.

23 Using the last drop of milk before, very helpfully, putting the empty carton back in the fridge - the empty carton needs a home, surely?

24 Looking nice in a dinner suit. Every man has an inner James Bond - only my James Bond likes pies.

31 Making the inventor of the electric nose-hair clipper very, very rich - I don't mean to paint such an unpleasant picture. But, you know. When a man gets to a certain age....

39 Making sure that every last pot and pan in the kitchen gets used to its full potential - actually, as I do the washing up chez fatboyfat, Katie gets to use every implement going when she prepares anything.

42 Insisting that only he can be trusted to drive on the right-hand side of the road in a foreign country and then going the wrong way round the roundabout at the exit from the airport, careering into an oncoming Fiat Panda, arguing furiously with the police and ensuring that the first night of your holiday is spent in a Sicilian jail - erm, I don't have a good record here.

49 Eating full-size Mars bars - you mean there are other sizes?

50 Inventing Prog Rock - there is a Holy Trinity and their names are Emerson, Lake & Palmer.

51 Drinking warm fermented hops - cold beer is for Continentals. And people called Darren.

56 Making those trips to Ikea such a stress-free delight - sorry, this is just not happening.

57 Reading, and actually understanding, instruction manuals for small electrical devices - I now know the Korean for 'reset button'.

60 Mixing the perfect gin and tonic - when all else is lost, when civilisation has broken down, when the planet is a dust bowl. There might be Mad Max-style raiding parties for lime slices, but I'll still be constructing a mean G&T.

67 Finishing off that glass of wine you poured an hour ago but never got round to drinking - never going to happen in this household. No way. Katie seeks out wine like a shark picking up fresh blood from miles off.

68 Having more hair on his legs than you - see no. 11 above.

71 Keeping the local Indian takeaway in business - actually that's a joint effort. The proprietor is putting his kids through college thanks to us.

78 Going to the dump - there's something very manly about heaving a sofa into a skip, isn't there?

81 Leaving all the drawers and cupboard doors in the house very slightly open - a light draft is natural, don't you think?

82 Being Father Christmas - guilty.

85 Snoring- it's like someone's making their way though a herd of donkeys. With a chainsaw. Katie's a lucky girl.

97 Presenting Top Gear - I wish.

98 Doing air guitar - I do air drums, actually. My hi-hat is something to behold.

There are some things you just can't do from a test tube.


the wife said...

You are in a world of trouble!!!

City Girl said...

LOL. Thanks for the Fr. Ted reminder. Sitting here thinking of the Milkman episode. ::giggle::

PS - re Top Gear: Someday, Fab. Someday. The Vile Clarkson has to retire sometime.

Le laquet said...

#56 - why? Is it all men?


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