Prime Mover

I've had enough. I need to come clean. The constant rumours are getting too much. It's only fair that I make this statement now, and publicly. For my sake, and the sake of the country.

I have no intention of becoming the next Prime Minister.

I can see how the story got started. After all, the current incumbent is having some 'leadership issues' at the moment. When it's not the economy, it's the spin doctors. When it's not the spin doctors, it's the expenses. And when it's not the expenses, it's rock-hard blokes with big knives.

It's enough to make you want to reconsider your career options, I know.

But I wanted to be the latest to make it clear that I don't want the job. After all, the news has been full of other potential candidates running away from the prospect as fast as their legs will carry them; I thought it only fair to add my name to "Thanks But No Thanks" list.

I can't say I wasn't tempted. After all, apparently you get this fancy place in SW1A. You can probably get a bit of a discount on the home insurance with all that Plod standing around. There doesn't appear to be too much to do, either. I mean, you get to stand up in Westminster every Wednesday lunchtime and play that old parlour game "Answer a question with another question" for some unknown reason, but other than that the rest of your time appears to be pretty much your own.

And it's not as if I hadn't had some ideas for my Premiership, either. I'm a serious man, with serious ideas. When I walk down the street, people look up to me. Well, those that are 5'7" or lower, anyway. But when I learned that the PM doesn't actually have the power to demand reruns of Black Books on the telly, the whole thing lost its appeal for me.

So it's with regret that I must inform the nation that I shall not be throwing my hat into the ring. Please try to curb your natural disappointment at this news. I am sure the right candidate is out there somewhere.

Actually, has anyone checked to see if Stephen Fry is available?