It's like Meteorology 101 here sometimes, isn't it?
But I've noticed that there are some common occurrences that seem to erm, occur whenever we get snow:
- The weather people on TV and radio get very excited. It's very much "In your face, news readers! I'm the Daddy around here today." This soon fades away and the newscasters can continue to ignore them at team get-togethers and the office party.
- The question "How many inches did you get last night?" is uproariously funny for about ten minutes.
- The media will start to cover what is a fairly natural phenomenon in intricate detail, verging on hysteria. I've seen at least one national newspaper's online version doing a live blog on the snow today with breathless updates such as "8:10am - it's snowing! 8:25am - still snowing! 8:40am - bugger me, what's all this white stuff falling out of the sky?"
- At least one reader will post a comment online stating how ridiculous it is for news outlets to be doing this. Of course, responding only encourages them, but this is an irony lost on everyone.
- People from the north will say how pathetic those southerners are, getting all exercised about a little snow preventing them from going out to buy a cafe latte. Why, only last week, they'll say, they had to walk through waist-deep snow in Gripmundwicke, Yorkshire to get some milk. Straight out of the cow. You southern nancies.
- Then someone will remind us how It's Not Like It Used To Be. Remember 1963 when we could go ice-skating on the Thames? And the schools never closed then, either. Coming next? Diptheria. You knew where you were with that.
- Someone in Australia will say how it's a balmy 45 degrees in the shade over there.
- Passing Canadians and Nordic folk will be heard laughing.
- We ignore those people.
- Driving tips will be given out. We all nod sagely when told to steer in the direction of a skid.
- Around 90% of us don't actually understand what that means in practice, but are too ashamed to admit it.
- Those who boasted about the superb handling on their rear-wheel-drive car for the previous 50 weeks are now manoeuvring like ducks on a frozen lake, driving around with firmly clenched buttocks and a thoughtful expression.
- We tune into local radio during the morning commute, for the travel updates.
- We realise just how bad local radio is and promise never to do it again.
- Some people work from home. However, "Working from home," is, in some cases, code for "Playing computer games while sitting in their pants".
- We are told that panic buying has started. We are informed that people are pushing trolley-loads of bread out of Tesco. So we all go and buy extra loaves of bread. Even the yeast intolerant are going mental for Hovis. Because we're like that.
- Mind you, as long as the UK's supply of tea is unaffected we reckon we'll be alright.
- Running out of ways to describe it in writing, media outlets ask us to send in pictures of snow. Pictures? Of snow? Really? Oh, OK then.