Thursday, 14 January 2010

New celebrity-based weight units to be introduced

A news story out this week mentioned a British angler who had caught a record-breaking carp the weight of Kylie Minogue. Really? The weight of the celebrated Antipodean songstress and memorable wearer of hotpants? Since when did we throw off the shackles of the boring old Imperial or metric system and move to a celebrity-based collection of weight units?

Clearly, Ms Minogue is pertness personified. However, at 95 lb in old money you can't measure flour in Minogues, not unless you're setting up in the bakery trade. It's a little unwieldy, to be honest.

You could go for centiminogues or even milliminogues, but that's getting a little close to that boring old metric system again. So perhaps we need to think about a smaller primary weight unit - the Troyer or the Villechaize, perhaps. We could go for the Culkin, but he's grown a bit since the 90's.

It's equally problematic when you move up the scale. We need to use a range of larger celebrities. Perhaps we can make it easier by choosing the right ones?

To weigh items that are massively variable in quality every time you look at them, you would need to use the Carrey. You can measure loud, shouty things in Blesseds. The possibilities are endless:

"I've got a consignment of really annoying things to deliver."
"How heavy?"

"Just over thirty Bonos."

I think I'm onto something here.

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