Sunday, 15 May 2011

A whole world of wrong

The other day I received an email. I read it. Then I read it again. I think I might even have had one of those comic 'shaking my head and blinking' moments as I let it sink in. If I'd have had a bottle of something strong next to me I might even have looked at it quizzically.

For this is what it said:

From: (name withheld to protect the stupid)
To: fatboyfat

Re: Sponsored posts


I am working on behalf of a sports supplements and fitness website, I am trying to raise their on-line profile.

Your site has some brilliant health content and I wondered if it is possible for me to do a guest post on your website.

Alternatively, if you do not offer guest posting opportunities, if you could let me know if you offer any forms of advertising.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

(Name withheld yet again. Although it's tempting.)

I'm just going to pause for one moment here, for those of you who actually know me in real life to wipe the tears from your eyes. I know, it's a belter, isn't it?

Effectively, the company 'Name Withheld' works for carries out online marketing. They find blogs that are relevant to their clients' needs and get them to write about product X in glowing terms, in exchange for payment and/or goods.

I know. It surprises people when they realise the world works this way. You'll never look at another blog in quite the same light again, will you?

This could be the moment when I say that I will not compromise my editorial purity. That there are things that are more important than the mighty dollar. I will not prostitute myself at the altar of commerce.

I am bigger than this. Quite a bit bigger, you might say.

But really, the fact of the matter is this. What a cack-handed approach! That annoys me more than any arbitrary discussion about morals. Name Withheld is going down, people.

Here was my reply:

To: (Name Withheld)

From: fatboyfat

Re: sponsored posts

Dear (Name With..oh you get the point)

Thank you very much for your recent email, which has caused no small amount of excitement here at Make Lard History Towers. It was so perceptive of you to notice that a blog written by someone calling themselves Fatboyfat would in fact be a seasoned writer on all things health-related.

This blog does have readers. Literally tens over the course of a typical month. And they all come here for the latest of health-related information. I do have an unusual style though - I tend to hide the real meaning in the subtext. What was it that gave me away?

Was it the post where I ate a five-course meal? Or maybe the one involving a bottle of single malt whisky? Perhaps the one where I had the Hangover from Hades

Maybe it's the constant references to extensive exercise? Like my attempting the Three Peaks Challenge and  inadvertently renaming it the 0.6 of a Peak Challenge?

Or perhaps you spotted the hidden health-related messages in my more random posts, like the one about hitching hamsters up to electricity generators or having an argument with a fish

Yes, I see it now. You really do read these blogs closely before you send out your allluring emails. It's such a good job you do, otherwise you'd look pretty stupid, wouldn't you?

As it happens I can't accept your invitation, as I'm currently waiting to hear from the Melton Mowbray Pie Federation. Let them down at your peril, otherwise you get pastried-up all over the place. It's not pretty, I hear.

Best regards in a completely non-ironic way.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your reply was brilliant!!!

I was going to add, "if more of us replied to such idiocy" but I realized that we're vastly outnumbered. However, brilliantly done on your part.
Vicki from alaska


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