Stop carping on

"It's a vile slur," he declared, very angrily for someone who was patently behind glass. "I tell you now. I'm heartily sick of it all."

To be honest, my visit to the Sea Life had taken an unexpected turn. I hadn't quite expected the inhabitants to answer back.

"I'll have you know, that 30-seconds-memory thing is absolute rubbish, too."

The crisp Chinese accent was a little unsettling. Perhaps an unnecessary detail, seeing as it was coming from the mouth of an ornamental goldfish, but it's one of those things that tends to stay with you. That, and the fact that it was a talking fish.

"Test me, why don't you? Go on, you nose-breather, test me."

I think I was being insulted by an Oranda.

"Erm." I ventured confidently.

"FA Cup Winners from 1970: Arsenal, Leeds United, Sunderland, Liverpool, West Ham United, Southampton, Manchest..."

"I never accused you of having a short-term memory. Oh God. I don't believe this. I'm arguing with a fish. Anyway. It's not my fault."

"Not convinced, warm-blood? OK then, let me see. Oh yes, Restoration Kings & Queens: Charles II, James II, William III, Mary II..."

"What are you doing?" I asked. Things seemed to be going downhill. I was getting a history lesson from something with scales.

"Excuse me?" He waved his dorsal fin in what I suppose was a questioning way. Never having had one waved at me before, I was having to guess a little. "You mammals think you're all that. It's all 'Look at us with our opposable thumbs' all the time. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm very well-read. I can retain information with the best of them. Test me on the Laws of Motion. Go on, test me."

"I'm not going to test a goldfish on A-level physics. It's not right." I turned to leave.

"Oi! Bottom-feeder! Come back here and let me recite pi to 500 decimal places. 3.1415926......"

I could take no more. I had to run away. I had to flee, get myself to a place of safety, get my befuddled head together.

And just to be certain, I made sure to travel via Mr Sunny's Fried Fish Bar.