Erm. Hello. Could everyone stop crying for a moment, please and pay attention? Settle down if you will, ladies and gentlemen.
For those of you I haven't met on the voyage so far, my name is George Trugwarn. Purser Second Class, and part of the customer engagement team for White Star Line. I recognise some of you from the orientation exercise at Southampton on the 10th. Yes, I thought we'd be doing this at New York too, sir. When life gives you lemons, and all that.
Yes, madam, I'm well aware that it's three in the morning and we're in a lifeboat in the North Atlantic, but at White Star, customer satisfaction is key. If you can help me with my Customer Pathway Survey, we can resume trying to find the RMS Carpathia and get on with the rest of the day.
Lovely. Right, first things first, can I get your opinion about last night's dinner selection?
Please. Stop screaming. We'll come to open responses in a bit.
On a scale of one to five, where one is "Strongly Agree" and five is "Strongly Disagree," can you give me your view on the following statements, please, ladies and gentlemen?
The poached salmon with Mousseline sauce - appropriate for an April dinner? Hmm. The filet mignons Lili. A little heavy going? I see. The Waldorf Pudding. A fitting finish? Oh, wonderful. Chef will be delighted. Well, if we ever find him, of course. Last time I saw him he was playing "Nearer My God To Thee" on an oboe. Never mind.
Right, now feedback on your the rest of your voyage. As you were, ladies and gentlemen, one to five, please.
Enough with the whistles, already, that's really not helping my data collection, folks.
Your cabins. Comfortable and spacious? Riiight. Some of you had dampness issues. I understand, really I do. It's been a humdinger of a night for all of us. Let's move on to the final section, shall we?
The alarm calls. How prompt for you? I see. And the evacuation instructions? Oh, I see, you wanted a Spanish option. I'm sorry, I'll note that down for the crew on RMS Olympic. You see, this whole experience has been worth it after all, hasn't it?
Now some quick customer segmentation statistics, please. Just a show of hands will do. First class? Uh-huh. Second? Right. Third? Good.
And Steerage? Steerage? Oh bother. Well, that's going to throw my demographics right out.