Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Old Fatboyfat's Almanac

It's the time of year when people make colossal pillocks of themselves by forecasting the events of the twelve months heading towards us with all the inevitability and menace of a buff-coloured window envelope.

I mean, really. How predictable.As if we're interested in the semi-formed guesses of self-ordained experts.

What's that you say? I haven't posted anything in days? Oh, go on then.

Well, first of all we must, I suppose, discuss the fashion scene. Those people who have encountered the force of nature that is my wardrobe will tell you that I'm no slouch in matters sartorial. In a throwback to the early 80s, I can see the return of pastels. Waists will be pinched, shoulders will be wide. Plastics will be involved. Think Miami Vice meets Tron.

I really have no idea, do I? Let's move on.

The world of celebrities will continue to amuse and amaze. Lady Gaga, for long a woman uncannily resembling a child's drawing of Madonna, will shock everyone when she's pictured wearing sensible slacks, a Fair Isle sweater and comfortable shoes.  In other news, Elton John's partner David Furnish will spend a lot of 2011 dealing with tantrums and applying baby powder.

You're making your own punchlines now, folks.

Stephen Fry will continue to dominate Twitter, his followers reaching such a volume in numbers that he is able to declare war on Belgium. The Jolly Reasonable War of August 2011 is concluded without bloodshed although a number of infinitives are split irreparably.

Closer to home, at some point in the year the UK will suffer an extreme weather event for which it is massively unprepared. This will be the 28th straight year in which This Has Never Happened Before.

New potato crisp flavours for the New Year delight snack-lovers as Walkers introduce us to Fisherman's Friend, Special Brew and Salt 'n' Desperation varieties.

In June, the Government will issue a ruling making it illegal to use the word 'webinar'.

Seriously, I'm hopeless at this (although I quite like the webinar thing). Let me try some personal predictions instead.

I will get my Number of Mountains Climbed Rating into real, whole numbers, instead of the 0.60 it is at the moment.

The short film I wrote, which with my friends Mike and Phil was committed to tape (disc? chip?) in 2009 will finally see the light of day. Then we'll plan another. Look out for this next one shortly before our sun goes supernova.

I will double the sales of my eBook. That'll be another eight sold, then. Currently ranked at #17,284 in the Amazon rankings, I will finally crack that vital top 17,250 chart.

Another hundred or so posts will appear on this blog. And hopefully you'll be here to read them too. Thanks for stopping by this year. See you once again in the next one.

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