To the extreme

Katie has taken to watching an American TV programme in recent months. (Should that be program? Never mind.) It's called "Extreme Makeover:Home Edition." And for those of us used to DIY SOS it's quite an experience.

But for those of you who haven't seen an edition of EM:HE, let me give you a quick rundown.

1. Loud shouty bloke called Ty (I'm sorry, but is that even a name?) and bunch of chiseled interior designers in a fancy bus descend upon a family that has tried to prevail against a tragedy of some kind.


2. Within the team there is a female designer who wears Too Much Pink. That's her thing. There's a grizzled New Yorker. There's a Brit who is clearly channelling the spirit of Dick Van Dyke. And then there's Michael. Who, according to the caption, is in charge of 'Glamor'.


3. Michael is good with colours.


4. The worthy family are sent off to Disneyland. For it is ordained, It Shall Always Be Disneyland.


5. The word 'awesome' will be used. A lot.


6. A cast of thousands helps to demolish the family home, managing this task in seconds, often with mere handtools. Every time, Katie and I will ask, "Does no-one build things out of bricks and mortar over there?"


7. The British carpenter bloke will use phrases like 'lumber' and 'highway'. We shout 'wood' and 'motorway' back at the screen. This doesn't seem to help.


8. Ty will wander around shouting at people through a loudhailer. Perhaps 'Ty' is short for Tylenol?


9. Someone will go shopping to kit out the new house. Essentially this entails leaving the local branch of Sears looking like a plague of locusts has passed through.


10. The family return to their new house. The bus is rolled out of the way so they can see it. We wonder what the neighbours think, given that the new house towers over all others in the locality.


11. Many tears ensue.


12. There is a very shiny kitchen with one of those big fridges. Typically it's the size of Herefordshire.


13. The words 'Oh My God' will be used a lot. Unless they're Good Church People, when 'Gosh' gets bandied around more often than a Wodehouse novel.


14. If they're in Texas, Someone Quite Famous in a Big Hat will show up and deliver an impromptu concert.


15. The mortgage is paid off and/or college funds are provided. At this point Katie will ask, "But what if the kids didn't want to go to college?"


16. More crying, including the odd tear or two from Michael.

You couldn't do this over here, you know. We're a bunch of cynical buggers at the best of times. The nearest we have is those shows where a homeowner is delighted to get a new bathroom over the course of a weekend.

Somehow, the sight of someone getting tearful over a new heated towel-rail just isn't on.