Staggered

There really was no way of avoiding a whole bunch of social events when I started the weight loss. Unless I was going to live a hermit-like existence, I couldn't ignore the fact that real life wasn't going to hold on for three months whilst I sat chewing lettuce leaves and drinking herbal tea. I actually do have to go out every now and again.

And so we come to Mike's stag night. Well, stag weekend, actually. This is the corresponding event to the hen night Katie experienced several weeks ago. The plan is to go out on Friday night, then again on Sunday afternoon. We're all of a certain age now, though. We're all respectable. What could possibly go wrong?

I write this in-between the two halves. There is a degree of pain.

We met us at a pub on Broad Street. To those people not aware of Birmingham, that last sentence is like a red flag. A warning signal, if you like. Beer was consumed.

We then went up the road to Jongleurs comedy club. Some grown-up comedy ensued. And beer was consumed.

After the comedy show, the club transforms into a nightclub. There was music. I may have danced. Erm. Some beer was consumed.

Memories of the evening are flashing back as I type. A whole bunch of people dressed as horror movie extras showing up at the club. Girls going round selling really scary drinks in test tubes. I found one in my coat pocket this morning.

At about 2am I thought, "This might start to wind up soon, as long as the music remains chilled."

Oh sweet Jesus.

'Jump Around' by House of Pain. I don't even like this sort of music. I'm 37. Yet I'm jumping around having a right old time. Oh blimey, now it's 'The One and Only' by Chesney Hawkes. I believe we may have consumed beer. There might be photos.

I did leave soon afterwards, passing through the detritus of Broad St to get a cab. A stunning girl, wearing a basque, stockings and not much else, sashays drunkenly down the street. I must be getting old, I say to myself. My first thought is "She'll catch her death of cold without a sturdy coat on."

I got home at about 2.30am, to find the house empty. Katie was still out, getting on the wrong side of a certain amount of wine at Emma's house. It's a full service we offer, we'll get drunk both with bride and groom.

Never again. Well, until tomorrow, anyway.