Thursday, 6 September 2007

This has "Disaster" written all over it

Tomorrow I'm going to a formal ball. Lots of very scary people will be there. And it's very formal, as in black tie formal.

Why do they call it that, by the way? I'm pretty certain you'd be burning your social bridges if you showed up buck naked apart from a winning smile and a bow tie, both worn at a jaunty angle.

Several years ago I was persuaded to buy a tux on the basis that it would sort out all the hassle of renting one for the once or twice a year I need one. This, despite the fact that Katie once titled a picture of me in full evening dress as:

"James Bond. The Pie Years."

To be honest, since then I've worn it on a handful of occasions so it's probably paid for itself. However. There's a but. And, it's a big but. I bought this when I was a little more upholstered than I am now, particularly around the waist. Which is a problem as they don't tend to put belt loops on evening dress trousers.

The upshot of all this is that I'll be spending much of tomorrow evening in a state of high anxiety, surrounded by the Great and the Good with my trousers on the verge of becoming a novelty set of ankle warmers.

Hold on to that image, why don't you?

Hopefully, the fact that once again I've taught myself to tie a bow tie properly will stand me in good stead. I've even been practicing:

I think I'll take the pre-tied as a backup, just in case. An old boss of mine told me that when he was at Cambridge, they would remove any pre-tied bow ties from ball attendees and ritually burn them. I'm hoping he's not there tomorrow.

At least I can try the elegantly wasted look later in the evening with both ends dangling, a la Bryan Ferry in 1983.


Tom said...


Big ones.

With rainbow stripes on them. Under the jacket, no one would know and that gives you a special feeling, because you know something no one else does.

Kinda like when you wear your wife's underwear.

That's the word on the street, anyway.

Too_Lively said...

Tom is on to something! Wear your wife's knickers, that will make losing your pants all the more entertaining.

fatboyfat said...

You both say "wear your wife's underwear" almost like it's a bad thing...

Tom said...

Not bad, just not something you'd show to attendees at a black tie function... all at once.

The suspenders on the other hand... If you're gonna go with a look from the early '80's you could do worse than "Mork from Ork".

fatboyfat said...

It all became clear when you mentioned Mork, Tom.

When you said "suspenders", I thought you meant something completely different.

It's a UK thing - I'll explain it in the post I've drafted.


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