Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Sustaining an election

I always said I'd never do a political post. Actually, "always said" is a bit rich. It's actually just a rule I made up a few minutes ago.

But when the politics in question relate to another country, I'm really not qualified to write about them. Plenty of people from the country in question (some of whom actually might use the phrase "open up a can of whup-ass" without irony) would have something to say about it if I tried. It would be like someone from Des Moines writing about the recent Liberal Party leadership campaign, for instance.

However.

Given that just about every news outlet here in Britain has decided that the preliminary stages of the US Presidential Election are major, headline, oh-my-God-this-is-really-important news, I'm beginning to wonder if I can keep my interest levels up for the rest of the year.

I mean, I like a good caucus as much as the next man, but really.

(And I mean every news outlet. If any story can get house prices off the front page of the Daily Express, you know it's time to get worried.)

Yes, I know it's a vitally important subject, especially if you're, well, American. Even for those of us who put the "i" in aluminium, I accept that a degree of awareness should be shown about the outcome. Hands across the thingummy, and all that.

However.

If the coverage is like this over here, when we've allegedly got other things to distract us, I dread to think what it must be like for those poor souls in the States....

A café. All the customers are Vikings. Mr and Mrs Bun enter - downwards (on wires).

Mr. Bun: Morning.

Waitress: Morning.

Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?

Waitress: Well there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and election; egg, bacon and election; egg, bacon, sausage and election; election, bacon, sausage and election; election,egg, election, election, bacon and election; election, election, election, egg and election; election, election, election, election, election, election, baked beans, election, election, electionand election; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes, with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and a fried egg on top and election.

Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything without election in it?

Waitress: Well, there's election, egg, sausage and election. That's not got MUCH election in it.

Mrs. Bun: I don't want ANY election.

Mr. Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, election and sausage?

Mrs. Bun: That's got election in it!

Mr. Bun: Not as much as election, egg, sausage and election.

Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, election and sausage, without the election.

Waitress: Uuuuuuggggh!

Mrs Bun: What d'you mean, uugggh! I don't like election.

Vikings: (singing) election, election, election, election, election ... election, election, election, election ... lovely election, wonderful election ...
(Brief shot of a Viking ship)

Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, election and sausage without the election.

Mrs. Bun: Why not?

Waitress: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, election and sausage, would it?

Mrs. Bun: I don't like election!

Mr. Bun: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your election. I love it. I'm having election, election, election, election, election ...

Vikings: (singing) election, election, election, election ...

Mr. Bun: ... baked beans, election, election and election.

Waitress: Baked beans are off.

Mr. Bun: Well can I have election instead?

Waitress: You mean election, election, election, election, election, election, election, election, election, election?

Vikings: (still singing) election, election, election, election ... (etc.)

Mr. Bun: Yes.

Waitress: Arrggh!

Vikings: ... lovely election, wonderful election.

Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!

(The Vikings shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian.)

With apologies to Messrs Cleese, Palin, Jones, Chapman, etc.

4 comments:

tNb said...

The coverage isn't quite so bad living north of electionland, but pretty damn close!

City Girl said...

I am actually crazy happy to learn the global media is obsessed with this election. It means that we're all on the same page! And what page is that? Glad you asked! The page that says:

GEORGE BUSH IS NEARLY GONE! GONE FOR GOOD! GONE AND DEAD! COLD AND BURIED WITH (MORE) MAGGOTS IN HIS HEAD! GOOOOOOONE!

Okay, so not dead. That part is just wishful thinking.

And, may I say, you applied that Python skit perfectly.

Tom said...

For the life of me, I can't figure out where the British get the reputation for dry, offbeat humor.
That's a stumper, there.

I feel your pain... It would be like us having the dailies from the latest Sierra Leone coup splashed across the TV on an quarter-hourly basis.
"Who Cares?!" There's gonna be another glory-hound military leader taking over the reins in ten minutes anyway!"
I'm convinced that 99.99999% of politics requires an ego equal to the size of... something big. Not actual policies.

On behalf of the American public, I'm sorry for the election.But if we can't sustain an election, do you think Pfizer will develop a magic pill to correct it?

Rebecca said...

I'm sick of the election, and I'm a fairly political person. I really feel for people in other countries whose media makes them watch our madness too.

As City Girl said, let's face it: our election, for everyone around the world, is about George W. Bush being gone, gone, gone finally. You can't blame people from Bhutan to Buenos Aires being excited about that.

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