"Good morning, Flinty & Mumble. 'For public relations, we're your closest relations. ' How can I delight you this morning?"
"Mr Flinty, please."
"Just transferring you."
"Hello, Brendan Flinty here."
"Flinty, it is me. Norovirus."
"Noro! Nory! The Normeister! Normunga! My, you're being busy these days. Out of all our clients, you're getting all the column inches right now. You're hotter than the sun, baby!"
"Let's see now. 'Thousands Hit by Stomach Bug' - BBC. 'Virus Lays Hundreds Low' - The Mirror. You're getting Q&As in the broadsheets and analysis on web-pages from here to New Zealand. You're as big as it's possible to be, right now."
"I know, Flinty. But I'm not happy."
"Why not, Nory? You're the virus on the street right now."
"Have you seen what they're calling me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you seen it? 'Winter Vomiting Sickness!' Winter. Vomiting. Sickness. I ask you..."
"Do you know what this is doing to me, Flinty? If I had a head, I wouldn't be able to hold it up. All the other virii and bacteria get cool names. Strep A gets to be the 'Flesh Eating Bug'. Even MRSA gets to be called 'Super Bug'. And me? I get something you'd get out of The Big Book of Bugs for Kids. It's not right."
"I mean, it's not as if I just do vomiting. I've got a lovely line in diarrhoea too. I'm versatile, Flinty. But I'm not happy."
"Ye-e-es. I see what you mean. What can we do for you, then?"
"Options, Flinty. I want options. You've got 48 hours. Come to me with something more in keeping. I want results."
48 hours later.
"Nory? We've brainstormed. We got the focus group in. We're really buzzed about these. I've just faxed over a list of suggestions to you. What do you think?"
"Festive Death? End of Year Enteritis? Both-ends Bug? What is this?"
"They're our best ideas!"
"What am I paying you for, Flinty? They're all crap!"
"Well, I guess you'd know...."