Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Law of the wild

Perky yet strident background music. The lighting falls onto a busy office interior. Ranks of operatives are taking calls on headsets.

A vaguely familiar man with greying temples is walking into shot, at an oblique angle. He seems a little concerned about something, and fixes the camera with a stare.

"Herbivores! Grazers of the veldt! Are you in search of justice? Do you think it's about time the tables were turned?"

A winning smile plays across his features.

"We at MacGilliver & Uhuru are here to fight your corner. We have a high success rate and operate a no-win-no-fee service. Trust us to give your dependants the security they need in the event of your untimely consumption by most predatory aggressors."

A selection of images fade across the screen. Cheetahs in full chase, a pride of lions consuming a zebra flank, hyenas poking through the entrails of an ex-antelope.

Our spokesperson looks stern again.

"Have you ever thought how the rest of your herd would cope in the event of your untimely demise? Our highly-trained squad of crack paralegals are available 24-7 during the feeding season. With our help, we can seek redress. But don't take our word for it..."

The camera falls on a wildebeest family, a mother and three calves. The mother is nervously sweeping her forelock out of her eyes.

"When the lions took my husband, I wondered how I'd ever support my three children - Ajamba, Maleenah and Trevor. But thanks to MacGilliver & Uhuru I was able to take out an action against the pride in question. And six months later I received a cheque for 10,000 Rand. Thanks to their no-win-no-fee arrangement I didn't even have to put my hoof into whatever it is we wildebeest use as pockets. "

Back to the spokesman. He's now stood behind one of the operatives. She is winsomely pretty and has probably never worked in any job that's needed a headset before, but let's not get bogged down with detail.

"Call us on 0-800-FRESHMEAT right now for a no-obligation consultation. Our experienced agents are waiting for your call...."


Tom said...

I called that number and all I got was screaming. It sounded like there was some sort of uproar or the operators were being eaten or something. I decided that I was better off hiding in a tree... or behind a bush maybe... with a gun.

City Girl said...


"and Trevor"

Anonymous said...

Oh, my. You've outdone yourself.


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