Occasionally, this blog generates comments from the hardy bunch of readers who struggle manfully, or indeed womanfully, through the convoluted prose. (This is a subtle hint; there's a 'Comments' link at the bottom of each post. Knock yourselves out.)
Very, very occasionally, I receive emails from people about the blog. Today was a case in point. As it's such a rare event (and in no way because I have to write a post every day and I'm running out of material), I thought I would share this latest missive with the faithful. And it goes like this:
"Dear fatboyfat." For some reason, random words in the email were presented in a different font. The more cynical of you might suggest the vile influence of a mail merge programme somewhere, but I prefer to think that the sender just wanted to emphasise certain aspects for my benefit.
"I've been reading your blog Make Lard History and I'm a big fan." I am seriously considering getting t-shirts printed up. Anyone?
"I represent some businesses local to you in the Birmingham area and was wondering if you would like to consider a business opportunity." I'm all ears. Well, actually I'm 60% water, with an increasing contingent of pastry and bitterness, but we'll let that pass.
"How can you benefit?" Well, I was beginning to wonder. Get to the meat, sunshine, I'm a busy man. This cup of tea isn't going to drink itself now, is it?
"By simply mentioning the following Birmingham-based restaurants in your blog, for instance, we believe we can form a mutually beneficial relationship." There then followed a list of eateries, none of whom I've ever visited, several of which I never knew existed. Who knew we had a Guatemalan BBQ place in our fine city?
In passing, can I mention that this is probably the first time in 40 years I've ever used the word "eateries"? Thank you. I am quite pleased with myself.
"We feel that the readership of Make Lard History will fit into the demographic that these businesses seek to attract." Who would have known that the 2010 winner of the 'Most Random Blog About Nothing in Particular' award would be so highly followed?
And that award does exist if I say it does. This is the Internet, after all.
"If you think that our Birmingham-based clients can work together with your highly-acclaimed blog, do please get in touch. All of us at (named online marketing agency) are excited about the prospect of working with Make Lard History."
Well, what can I say? At last, my due rewards are coming. Fame and, more importantly, fortune will certainly be mine. Now, does anyone know the Mayan for "Waiter, can I have the bill, please?"